I’ve Been A Bad, Bad, Writer – Lesson 1
In an effort to embrace all which I do well, I present…Truly Bad Writing.
Today’s Lesson: Truly Bad Dialogue (The stuff which makes you absolutely cringe. Take notes as necessary.)
Vivian and Edgar, The Saga of a Woman in Love
‘Oh, Edgar, do tell me you love me.’
‘Say, Vivian…’ Edgar mused. ‘Have you seen my socks? The blue ones?’
‘Socks, dear?’
‘Yes, the business ones. A man should always know where his business socks are, I always say. It’s terribly important.’
‘Oh, pooh!’ Vivian exclaimed, turning her back. ‘Business, business, business! It’s all I ever hear from you, Edgar.’
‘Someone must tend to these matters, dear. A man can not spend his entire day playing the violin, you know.’
‘I so love the violin, Edgar.’ She turned to face him. ‘Please, do play for me.’
‘Ah, yes, Vivian.’ Edgar smiled absent-mindedly. ‘All in due time, my pet. Now, about those socks. What on Earth have you done with them?’
Vivian struggled to contain her unbridled emotions. She failed. ‘I’ve hidden them, Edgar! I’ve purposely, and with malice aforethought, hidden them! And I shan’t tell you where they are.’
‘Did you say shan’t, dear?’ Edgar queried.
‘I did, Edgar. I said shan’t, and I shan’t say it again.’ Vivian exploded loudly.
‘Oh, then perhaps I’d better…’
‘Yes, Edgar, perhaps you should.’
‘Vivian, my love…’ Edgar began.
‘Oh yes, Edgar? Yes?’ Her heart quickened.
‘Won’t you please tell me where they are, dear?’ Edgar pleaded.
Vivian turned away, crushed by his indifference. She quickly turned back with fire in her eyes.
“And why should I, Edgar? So you can use them to run away? To escape?’ Tears began to spring forth from her fiery eyes quenching the flames held within.
‘Is that what you’d like, Edgar?’ She spat resentfully. ‘To flee with your precious blue business socks?’
‘Vivian!’ Edgar exclaimed. ‘See here! Do control yourself, woman. I demand you tell me where my socks are this very instant.’
‘Demand? You demand?’ Vivian advanced towards him. ‘Indeed, Edgar, and why should I tell you? Give me one reason.’
‘Well… for old times sake?’ Edgar edged away from her advance. ‘Yes, Vivian, for old times sake.’
‘For old times sake?’ Vivian repeated bitterly.
‘For old times sake?’ She repeated again, even more bitterly than the first.
‘Stop this foolishness immediately, Vivian!’ Edgar raised his voice hysterically.
‘Edgar, lower your voice, please…the children.’
‘Yes, the children.’ Edgar replied. ‘Well Vivian, I’ve something to tell you. I’ve set them free.’
‘You’ve set them free? The children?’
‘Yes.’ Edgar confirmed. ‘I’ve sent them to the coast …to study the tides.’
‘Tides, Edgar?’ Vivian questioned. ‘But they’re only six and eight.’
‘Yes, well, never too soon, I always say. Now, Vivian…I love you dearly, but I must have my socks.’
Vivian rushed to embrace him. ‘Oh, Edgar, please, say it again!’
‘Alright dear, as you wish.’ Edgar whispered as he held her in his arms. ‘I shall repeat it for you, I said… I must have my socks.’
Vivian sighed as she pulled from his embrace. ‘Oh Edgar, do get away from my sight. Top drawer, left side. As they always are.’
Edgar stepped away and raced to the bureau. ‘Top drawer! Brilliant hiding place, dear. Never in a million years would I have looked there.’
‘Of course you wouldn’t.’ Vivian agreed sadly. ‘Enjoy your day, Edgar. I shan’t be here when you return.’
Edgar tore open the drawer, then paused to savor the row of tidily arranged business socks. Fingers quivering in anticipation he selected a pair, royal blue with a tiny white crest near the ankle.
‘Did you say something, dear?’ Socks in hand, Edgar turned to find an empty room.
Stalker Songs
I LOVE…..Stalker Songs! With the sweet taste of Valentine’s Day still in our mouths, and my sympathies to any guys out there who didn’t quite spend enough on balloons, chocolate, and flowers to completely validate their honey’s fragile egos, lets now turn our attention to the darker, and far more interesting, side of love…..obsession. Particularly, the Stalker Song….
The Stalker Song comes in a couple of forms. It may be a song which on first listen seems like a sweet ode and exclamation of undying love and admiration…’undying’ being the key word. Or it could be just flat out creepy, no matter how many times one listens to it.
My first Stalker Song selection is a song which has….well, special meaning in my heart. I once came home to find a seemingly blank music CD tacked to my door…yes, a large tack placed through the hole in the CD and then driven into my door. Strange enough on its own, yes? However under the CD was also tacked a black and white photo of….me. The pic had been taken, without my knowledge, at an outdoor music festival I had attended the previous weekend. It was not a crowd shot, but a close up of me….at the festival…in black and white. There was no note or anything written on the CD. Creepy? Well….kinda, yes. There was only one song on the CD….and this was it….
My first thought, as I’m sure would be anyone’s, was…..’Fuck, Kim Deal plays the HELL out of that bass!’ And no, I never found out who this person was, obviously he lost interest shortly thereafter….or, as a friend suggested, I possibly started dating him without realizing him to be the ‘Door CD Tacker’. Whoever he was…he had GREAT taste in music (not to mention women!), and was a damn fine photographer.
My second Stalker Song selection comes from one of my favorite songwriters of all times, Elvis Costello. No one quite spits out the bitterness of cold, unrequited love as eloquently and venomously as Costello. This song actually causes the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. It’s cool, creepy, chilling and completely delicious.
My third Stalker Song selection is Don’t Say A Word by Sonata Arctica. Yes, it’s quite long, and yes, it’s also quite demented and disturbing….and yes, I do now feel I need a shower….
This post was unintentionally inspired by a comment made by sinnercycling on my Happy Valentine’s Day post of yesterday…who I’m quite sure is thrilled with being linked to Stalker Songs. Great blog though…cycling, sinning, skiing…check it out!
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